A friend of mine asked me to write about how I dealt with gaining over 25kg back after losing it all , it was a tough time in my life so this will be a tough post to write but I think it is important to address what feelings I went through and how I overcame that dark hole I found myself diving into again.
In early 2013 my long term relationship ended. A few months before it ended I had started a crash diet called the HCG diet…. this diet consists of eating around 500 calories a day…you read that correctly , 500 calories! I did this diet for 6months and needless to say I lost a lot of weight and I became obsessive with what I was eating. The turning point for me after 6months of being on the diet was when I took my dog for as walk and I nearly passed out trying to walk back up the hill , it was so bad that I had to sit down and wait for the light headiness to pass before attempting to walk up again . I decided that I would join the gym and look at increasing my calories.
Around June 2013 I joined a gym , and I changed how I ate , I was still only eating around the 1000 calorie mark but I was hitting the gym 6-7 times a week and if I ate something as simple as a chocolate bar I felt like I had committed a crime. I wasn’t happy with how I looked and I was in a continuous battle with my self esteem. What made it harder was I started seeing a guy a few months earlier , who said this to me “I would have never looked at you when you were fat” , yet I continued to see him . Looking back now I wish right at the point I had walked away and cut all contact , I wish I had more self worth. But I kept spiralling downhill and I became so scared of gaining any weight at all.
At the end of 2013 , I met my amazing now Fiancé and soon to be husband. He was so damn genuine and so kind , he doesn’t have a bad bone in his body. He treated me like an absolute queen and I felt so comfortable being around him.
Let’s fast forward to the end of 2015 when everything hit. At this point I had put around 5-7kg on , I call this the comfort weight , and to be honest I needed to put that much on as I was pretty much skin and bones. However things turned bad near the end of the year with my mum becoming really extremely sick ( hands down the hardest thing I have ever been through) , this took a huge toll on me mentally , emotionally as well as physically , I found myself having to look after someone who was always my rock , the one that I always leant on and all of a sudden she was leaning on me. At around this same time my Prolactinoma had already started showing its effects on my body , with missing periods , and the drastic weight gain started without me even realising it really until I had nearly gained all of it back.
The end of 2015 to the end of 2016 was really tough. I stopped taking care of my body , I didn’t go to get my nails done , I didn’t go for my monthly facials , I stopped eating really clean and instead I had more bread , a ton of carbs and I emotionally stuffed my face with anything sweet I could get my hands on. Food became my outlet for all the emotions which were boiling up inside of me , I didn’t know how else to vent them and I would eat until I felt sick. My Fiancé was amazing through it all but even though he listened and he was there for me he didn’t have any control over me stopping the spiral I was going into , all he could do is watch and try support me.
Gaining weight back after drastically losing so much weight is damn tough , especially since you told everyone you would never ever gain the weight back when you were 73kg. You feel ashamed , so so ashamed , I stopped being in photos . I just had a look through my photos on Facebook and I took so many when I was 73kg and then as the weight came back on I stopped posting photos and I stopped wanting to be in photos with friends , family and my Fiancé. I felt ashamed and I felt like everyone would judge me. Everyone would look at me in disgust that I could do that to myself again. I spiralled even further down and felt like I was stuck and that I was in too deep to make a change.
With the weight gain , also came the bad skin , the constant fatigue , the not buying any new clothes because I felt too fat. I went into a changing room in a shop and I tried on a size 16 pair of pants and they wouldn’t make it past my thighs , I walked out of the shop feeling so much worse and so I stopped shopping , I lived for tights and anything stretchy and loose.
When people who hadn’t seen me for a while would invite me to their events I would decline because I didn’t want to face them and I didn’t want them to judge me. I would make up a lie and instead stay at home.
August 2016. This was the month that was a terrible month, yet also one of the best things that could have ever happened to me after years of struggling with weight gain , lack of periods , breast lump scares and headaches. I was finally diagnosed with a Prolactinoma which shone light on to a lot to the issues I had faced . Even though the weight gain wasn’t helped by my eating , the Prolactinoma really screws hormones up which would explain the incredibly drastic rate my weight came back.
8th of January 2017 , I made the decision to go and climb over 700 stairs to the top of Camp Sladdin with my Fiancé and a very close friend of mine. I cried about 3 times while walking up since it all dawned me how unfit I was , how much weight I was carrying and how my medication was making me feel. I felt sorry for myself yet I kept going and I made it to the top. It was this day that changed the way I was thinking and I started wanting to lose weight again and to start working out. We made a deal that every Sunday we would climb the stairs which we stuck to.
A few months later a very good friend of mine recommended I go along with her to something called Swanfit since she was absolutely loving it. I agreed and I ended up signing up to a 10 week challenge with them , they helped me regain my will to want to lose weight and get fit , I stuck to the strict diet plan 100% for two transformations losing a lot of weight and feeling good again. They are such a great fitness crew and I highly recommend them if you need a kick start!
My fiancé and I went on a 6 week holiday overseas and needless to say I didnt hold back and ate a lot , unfortunately when we came back the motivation I felt had left me again and once again I started to gain weight back. All of the feelings I felt when I gained the weight back the first time had come streaming back in to my life. It is interesting , because you can go from being so motivated to completely un motivated only over the span of a few weeks. It all comes down to habit.
I have come to the realisation that I need to exercise to keep the weight from piling on again , however I have also realised that being on a strict diet doesn’t work for me as I tend to binge a whole lot more when I get the chance if I am being restricted. It just isn’t a sustainable way for me to keep going.
March 2018 , I signed up to my first ever Crossfit session , I have been going for 5 months now – and I have only missed out a week or two where I hadn’t gone due to work commitments or because I was sick . I don’t eat 100% clean , I don’t eat terrible either even though I can still have my moments where I can demolish a pack of biscuits but I am completely ok with that and I don’t feel guilty. The past 5 months haven’t been about “weightloss” for me , they have been about finding myself , pushing myself more then I ever have , and finding somewhere that I actually enjoy going to to exercise. I can safely say I am happy even though I can feel myself drifting off into the black spiral if I haven’t been to Crossfit for a week , but I go one morning and that motivation springs back in.
This is the healthiest relationship I have had with myself ever , this is the most content I have been with where I am at. I am in no way “thin” and I am completely ok with that because I am completely embracing my curves and squishiness , but at the same time I will go and work my arse off at Crossfit.
I also just ticked climbing to the top of the Pinnacles in the Coromandel to watch the sunrise off my bucket list , and that has got to be one of the most empowering moments of my life , I changed as a person and I am so damn ready to tackle more awesome adventures like that.
Will I keep being healthy? I hope so , I hate how it feels to not be healthy and I don’t want to go back to that , but I also have come to realise that life happens….and you just don’t know what might happen to you…in saying that , I am going to fight to remain motivated by setting myself awesome goals which I wouldn’t be able to achieve if I was to go back to where I was. I want to climb more mountains and watch the sunrise.
If you are going through a tough time with weight gain/ weight loss at the moment or if you have any questions at all , I am so open to sharing my thoughts with you so send me an email : firstname.lastname@example.org .